July 8, 2012

Usually I sleep fine, but last night sleep eluded me. Usually I am fairly carefree, considering my circumstances, but worries crept across my mind throughout night. I am not worried for myself. I have a peace within me about dying. While I do not invite this stranger too early, I do not fear his arrival. My peace stems from a lot of beautiful conversations with my girls in which I have come to believe that although they will grieve me, and their hearts will hurt for a time, their spirit and zest for life will carry them through and they will be okay. They each assure me of this, and I trust it to be true, so I am at peace.

But I worry about the house and how we will ever get it refinanced before my time ends. I worry about the upcoming fund raiser and friends who have disappeared who are supposed to be helping. I need to save this house for Doug and the kids. We don’t have to pay it off, just make it affordable for Doug after I am gone. A break, that is all we need. When I feel like I have enough energy I will call Bank of America and plead my case once again, to another account manager in charge this time. The loan is underwater, we are current on our payments, we just need to refinance and add our fundraising money and get a lower interest rate, blah, blah, blah. Our conversations usually end in tears and frustration. Whatever I say to Bank of America, they reply with no. Ugh. I’ll call again Monday. Everyday in the news I hear of plans to help homeowners like us, hurt by the housing bubble and yet my banker claims they know nothing of any programs that could help us. This is not what I need to be thinking about at 3am.

And I worry for my mother. I am supposed to lose her someday, grieve her passing, not the other way around, not her grieving me. I worry for her, like I worried for my girls before I realized they would be okay. So I wonder how she will do, how she will get through this, will she even hear them sing Ava Maria at church? A song I have asked for specifically to bring her comfort, her song, the one they played at Grandpas funeral. Will she feel my arms around her when they play that song? I should be sleeping but I am grieving the pain I will soon cause her.

But the sun rose again this morning and thankfully I rose with it, so I will breathe in some life and some energy, taking in what is good in the universe and releasing that which does not serve. I’ll rejoice in a warm cup of coffee and a tenderly dressed bagel my husband will bring to me while I sit in my new chair and I will gaze outside and I will contemplate the the sun and the sunflowers in my yard. I do hope they bloom soon.

The kids will rise and we will go visit a friend and hang out in her pool. It is there I will do the photo of the day, I suppose. I will laugh and smile sincerely. I will enjoy this day. Sometimes I just have to trust, we will all be okay.


10 Responses to “worry”

  1. Pamela Allen Says:

    Praying that the Lord will provide you with a peace that passes all understanding! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

  2. Barbara Jarvis Says:

    I pray you have peace and that God will help you to be able to trust that He will take care of your family. Letting go of the future is very hard. We can only do our part and then let it go.
    Lots of Hugs

  3. all will be well…believe in that…my heart aches for you but I trust in God’s plan and all will be well, praying for you and am in awe of your grace…sending love to you and yours…hugs xo

  4. Be at peace and allow God to handle all the unknowns…we can’t do it all. I pray you find comfort to allow God to guide….he knows we cannot do it all.

    Love & kisses..and many hugs!

  5. Bev McCleery Says:

    You are truly an amazing woman and I just want you to know that I am praying for you and your family every night. I pray that your phone call on Monday is a success and that that worry can be gone!

    The daily pictures are truly awesome!!!

    God Bless!

  6. Betsy Happel Says:

    I spent some time with your girls Sunday evening, and it was a joy of my day. Actually, my weekend. Thank you for giving them up for a few hours.

  7. Paul Cook Says:

    Ronnie, Your whole church family is here for your family. Please let us know how we can help you. We don’t want to invade – we do want to support. I’m sure that there are quite a few of us who would be happy to bring meals, help with house cleaning, etc. We don’t want to force unwanted or untimely help upon you – we want to give what you want and need.
    It was good to see your girls last night. Erin, Julie, and Jessie hung out, talked, and giggled together. Irina and Allie and Mattie found ridable toys from the nursery and were having lots of fun being silly for a while – all 3 of them certainly needed that.
    We pray for you – and more for your girls. I hope they will continue to find sanctuary and home away from home at KUCC for years and decades to come.

  8. Jennifer Says:

    Ronnie – not a day goes by that I don’t hold you close at heart. The “turtle” that I am, I weep because you make the world a better place. I cannot imagine it without you – and I’m angry that I’ve taken you here for granted. I’m angry that you like all of us will someday be gone without perhaps one last hug. I don’t want you to see me cry – I want to be as tough as you – always have. You’ve been a great teacher, my friend. I hold you close – albeit I’m far away, I have you right beside me. I pray for you and Doug and the girls … and all of your friends. We’re all in this together. Be strong – I tell you – but I think I’m just reassuring myself. It will be okay … I know it will be. You are loved.

  9. Dearest Ronnie, Even though I am far away in Houston, I think of you, the girls and Doug daily. I pray for your peace. I pray for your comfort. I pray for your heart and soul. I pray that God’s will will prevail in all of your worries and that at some point you will be able to rest easy knowing that all will be okay. You are an amazing person. I am saddened by your diagnosis but it is just that, a diagnosis and prognosis. God is the author and finisher of our lives and we must trust in this knowledge to get us through the hard times. Please know Georgia and I are praying for you, the girls and Doug daily and May God’s Abundant Grace, Mercy and Love shine through to you all on a daily basis.

    Warm regards,
    Michelle Freeman and Georgia Chambers

  10. To the Family of Ronnie my heart goes out to you for the lost of Ronnie. She has touch my heart for a life time. Always remember her love for you and what a fighter she was. What a amazing woman.

    God Bless,
    Terry Stanley

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