yellow finches

May 2, 2012

On Monday, a friend handed me a card, told me to open it later. I count my blessings for friends who still send Hallmark just to say they are thinking about me, praying for me, or just commiserating with me. Chemo Sucks read one card of late. I have to agree. It has been a long time with this disease and  little sentiments, hand written or store bought always make me smile.

So I tossed the card in my bag and planned to open it later, after the hub-bub of dinner and homework ended and Doug has just brought me a glass of wine. I open the card and as I read the note inside I begin to cry. This card was not about me, this card was not about chemo or cancer. This was a card about prom. And so I cried.

You see, I did not expect to see one of my girls goto prom. My oldest is only a sophomore and my twins, in the seventh grade, are still slightly grossed out by boys. The math of my prognosis is not likely to give me another year, when Erin is a junior let alone four years before Mattie or Allie might attend. Things like prom and college graduations and weddings and grand-babies, these are things I am  beginning to write myself out of in my minds eye.

But Erin was asked to prom this year, this Saturday in fact, by a very handsome young man who seems polite and the kind of boy I would approve of if asked. Erin is going to prom and I got to shop for the dress with her and the twins went too and we all voted up or down on at least ten dresses before we found the one that makes her look like an angel. My precious angel. And I am here, voting on dresses and suggesting hairstyles and feeling nervous because I want the evening to be perfect for her. I am here. Alive.

And so I cried. Because my friend too noticed how special this is for me and I think she knows this because she is a survivor too and she spends her evenings now holding a beautiful new grand-baby, her first, and it brings her joy and it makes her not think of cancer but only think of the love you have for the tiny people in your life and how you wish for everything good for them. And your heart melts when you have those dreams. My friend she knows this.

And so I cried, beautiful tears of joy about Erin going to prom and me there to see it and a friend by my side who noticed how important this was and who wanted to note the occasion with a gift for me and Erin to make our time this week even more special.

I did not get good news from my doctors this week. My lung will have to be drained again and tube inserted that will hang off of my body to continue to drain the lung fluid. The chemo might not be working so there will be another CT scan and maybe yet another new drug. But I did not cry.

Because my daughter is going to prom and I have a friend who loves me and understands me and I have many things to be happy and thankful about in my life, like the yellow finches that have rediscovered my feeder on my back patio and how God makes the sun shine directly on the yellow ones and they almost glow when I sit outside in the afternoon watching them eat. Cancer will not earn my tears this week.

But you bet, I’ll need some tissues when we do photos on Saturday night.

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17 Responses to “yellow finches”

  1. sharonsdaughter Says:

    Yellow finches, prom, your words… all things to celebrate. I love you Sparky, I am sorry I’m not there right now. I am in Oregon helping my Aunt in her own fight.
    I am sorry for the bad news, I am never letting you go.

  2. Betsy Happel Says:

    God’s presence in this world is beyond my comprehension. But how could we deny its existence? Your living and surrendering has become the breath of God, itself. Thank you for helping us to see and believe. Enjoy the moment Saturday…and send photos!!!

  3. Kim Mosley Says:

    That is certainly a milestone for Erin, and for the two of you. Thanks for sharing! I remember Melissa’s first prom and what an occasion it was for her. Take care, Ronnie. You are doing a great job (as you do everything). Kim

  4. Carolyn Engel Says:

    Beautiful words from you again. Thank you for sharing them with us. I hope Saturday is everything you and Erin dream of. Enjoy!

  5. Tami DeLand Says:

    This blog reminds me of Barbara Kingsolver’s wisdom in her essay, “High Tide in Tucson,” do you remember it? Appreciating the “little” things really is BIG. And most important. Love you. Best to Erin on Saturday!

  6. Chrissie McConnell Says:

    Celebrating with you the joys of your beautiful daughter and and the special weekend to come.

  7. Laura Says:

    Speechless. So happy you are able to share this experience with your girls. Love you.

  8. british5 Says:

    Make sure you get a “mom and Erin” picture. She will treasure that forever …. that beautiful angel in the red dress. PROM! Did you look into that little infant face and think forward to this day? How fast did it come? A blink of an eye I believe! Enjoy this weekend wit Erin and the whole family 🙂

  9. Barbara Jarvis Says:

    Ronnie you are such an inspiration to me. Enjoy the prom, I am so happy you will have this moment. Can’t wait to see the pictures.
    And I am so sorry about your news about the cancer, it is not fair and I keep praying that you will have many more moments with your girls.
    Lots of Hugs
    Barb

  10. Wendy Kenville Says:

    As I knew from the day I met you at the 2003 Build-A-Bear CWm meeting…you are special.. My heart is hurting for you but smiling to know how wonderful Saturday will be. Enjoy!

  11. Jackie Puzniak Says:

    Ronnie as always you are so articulate with your words. You really paint a picture of what you are feeling. The girls must have some wonderful artistic genes. Prom seems to be a point of passage for a young woman. She transforms from your little girl to a beautiful young lady. I pray daily for you to be able to share many more of these occasions with all of them. Can you share a necklace, earrings or something of yours to bring to the Prom as a part of you being with Erin?
    Maybe the drain can keep you sober and be able to drink more wine. I wish I could take away all of this nasty stuff, if only for a few more years so that you could enjoy and savor additional milestones in your girls lives.
    Gentle HUGS to my HERO
    jackie

  12. judyhopen Says:

    sniff sniff.
    ‘Mz. Sassy’ (and you know who you are) you outdid us all. 🙂
    Ronnie, can’t wait to hear the whole story on monday!
    try to take in every moment!

  13. judyhopen Says:

    ‘Mz. Sassy’ (and you know who you are) you really out-did us all. 🙂
    Ronnie, Remember to Breathe!
    Try to take in every moment.
    I can’t wait to hear all about it on Monday!

  14. marja Says:

    We expect pictures please on Monday:) Enjoy and savor the moments. hugs

  15. british5 Says:

    IT’S HERE … IT’S FINALLY HERE! Happy day. Enjoy it all. I can see the big grin of pride and joy on your face now Ronnie. 🙂

  16. Tish Chism Says:

    I am so happy you get to see your daughter go to her first prom. I pray for you and haven’t given up hope that you will hold grandbabies; doctors don’t know it all. Maybe I’m naive, but even though I don’t know you personally, through your blogs I feel like I do, I feel God’s presence in your life and I believe He can heal you. God bless you, love you!


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