goodbye fighter

September 2, 2011

I changed the look of Glass Half Full today, removing my fighter image from the blog title. I am no longer fighting breast cancer. I refuse to be at war in my life. Instead, I am learning to live with cancer, accept the disease as just another part of my journey. Like a mean dog, as long as it is sleeping I’ve decided to just let it be.

Acceptance is not a surrender, it is just a peace that I grant myself. When my mind stops focusing upon the dog, I am liberated. I am a freed soldier, able to see clearly the beautiful things that fill my cup, light my path and deliver great joy.

The new images on the blog honor those who help me to see the glass half full. My sister and my mother, I’ve dubbed them my posse. They have been to each doctor’s visit and held me tight for every test result. Of all the tears I’ve cried most have been shared with them, wiped and comforted by them. My little sister is so big in my heart. I will never forget the vacation she and my mother made happen for me this year. Joy. Love. Commitment. Support. This is my posse.

Erin, Mattison and Allison are the greatest blessing that has ever come my way. They bring me joy beyond imagination. Being their mother is an honor. Every day a have with them is a gift. They give me grace. They make me proud. They make me long to be a better person. My heart is full because of my beautiful daughters. My family is my life, my beautiful life.

So not another day spent a soldier. Not another day in a fight. No not for me. I am counting blessings, practicing contentment, walking a path of peace and acceptance. The dog still lies in the corner, but grace and peace fill the room. The sun shines on me.

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11 Responses to “goodbye fighter”

  1. Kim Mosley Says:

    Now you’ve become a very scary warrior, in a very good way, dedicated to a path rather than in opposition to something else.

    • Coco Says:

      Sparkie – I love you and miss you – we have been apart for too long. Email me at work – it’s time to reconnect. Coco

  2. Barbara Jarvis Says:

    Ronnie
    Your blog statement moved me so much. Your acceptance sounds wonderful for you. What a great possee of joy and love. And your line”Dog stills lies in the corner but grace and peace fill the room”. This sounds so great and it helped me to visualize a peaceful room. Thank you for sharing all of your wisdom.
    Hugs
    Barb

  3. Your Posse Says:

    We each learned a lesson at our (yes our) last doctor visit. Nothing is in our hands no matter how much we want to have that control. We learned how to put it in God’s hands and to trust. In doing this he granted us the kind of news we never expected to get. That lesson can’t be forgot. You are right . . . . war is HELL. We as a family have so much to be thankful for that it is a waste of our time and energy to be at war even with cancer. We need to focus on all of the blessings we have and ways to pay it forward. This isn’t the path we would have chose to walk but we will hold hands, put a leash on the dog and take the time to smell the flowers along the path. No matter where the path leads us we will have each other and LOVE. Who could ask for anything more?
    .
    Lov ya 2 the Moon & Back
    2day, 2morrow & 4ever
    Your Posse

  4. Laura Blair Says:

    As long as you have peace…you win! Love you Sparks!

  5. Tracy von der Linden Says:

    Here it is…my one and only public post. You know how I feel about communicating in the virtual world; I prefer leaving my words in the real world, but for you my sister, I must break my silence (just this once).

    Sorry, but a tiger doesn’t get to change his stripes. You were born a fighter! A warrior. A rebel. A soldier. A protector, A BIG sister! It’s a part of who you are. We Cameron women are all fighters. With any luck, our daughters will learn to be fighters as well.

    I know you are tired and battle-worn, but this enemy will never go sleep quietly in a corner, allowing you peace in your life. It must be defeated, dethroned, overthrown.

    Diplomacy is not an option here.

    Ulysses S. Grant once said, “I have never advocated war except as a means of peace.” The peace you deserve is going to take a fight. Yes, you’ve been at the front lines being bombarded with bullets, supporting fellow comrades, and stomping out any enemy forces dumb enough to block your path, but now is not the time to retreat!

    Do not say goodbye to the fighter. Fight, Fight Fight! Your daughters need you to fight. Your husband needs you to fight. Your mother needs you to fight. I need you to fight!

    The day we entered this battle, I promised you that I would stand by your side and that we would fight this together. I’ve still got your back! I am not quitting, nor am I accepting.

    There is more work to be done.

    I also promised you that when the time came, I would support your decision to rest, but there is no rest for the weary. I’m asking you, no I’m begging you to find that warrior inside of you again.

    Soldiers count their blessings. Soldiers are at peace staring into the faces of their children. Soldiers find contentment at the end of a hard day’s labor.

    Soldiers do no sleep with the enemy.

    Do not go gentle into that good night,
    Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
    Because their words had forked no lightning they
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
    Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
    And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
    Do not go gentle into that good night.

    Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
    Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

    And you, my father, there on that sad height,
    Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
    Do not go gentle into that good night.
    Rage, rage against the dying of the light. –Dylan Thomas

    I love you Ronnie,

    Your Sister and Fellow Posse Member,
    Tracy

  6. Betsy Happel Says:

    Wow, Ronnie. How beautiful…

    I believe this with all my heart: surrendering to the peace and joy of God’s rhythm is not giving up; rather, it is calling upon the healing spirit of the Giver of Life to wash in and through you. A relaxed and peace-filled body can breathe in life in ways a tense and angry body can’t. Blessings upon ye…

    Love, Betsy

  7. Alison Says:

    Ronnie- i don’t know if you remember me, I work at Waterworks in Chicago. Kendra has shared your beautiful writings with me as we both endure the battle with the beast. This last post is so beautiful and timely for me. I hope it’s okay if i share with the people in my life that are helping me through. I wish you peace and continued love,
    Alison Liotti

  8. Wendy Says:

    Ronnie, I just read your post and I am in awe of your courage…when I met you for the first time at the BABW Chiefs meeting in 2004…I was in awe of your humor and the talent you had… As a Mom, I cannot imagine how difficult the past 2+ years have been! I just completed the Tampa Bay 3-day for the cure to help put an end to this disease that has taken over your physical person….I did it for my girls and yours and everyone else’s, so less women wil have to talk to their daughters about the days they have left…. My outlook has always been…half full! I will walk 2012 for you and your girls as well….much peace to you and your family.

  9. ronniegaubatz Says:

    I have given careful consideration to this post and the replies from everyone, especially my sis. The fighter image is now back on the blog but not because it represents the “fight” against cancer. I like the hopefulness in the image, and when it was gone from the blog I really missed it. In the image I am looking up to God and in my mind saying okay, I put this in your hands Lord. I have faith, still, after all I have been through. And in a lot of ways, that means I have already won the “fight”.

  10. Bonnie Says:

    I along with your sister are happy you changed your mind about this. We also love the fighter image.


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