He’s Back

October 17, 2010

He is back. He has been sleeping on my couch for a few weeks now, ever since I felt him in the shower, after the run, the water, the soap, the lump on my breast where I have no breast. I called the surgeon and made the appointment before I was even dry. Now I lie alone with him on my bed. I cry. He whispers in my ear.
He says he is sorry. Sorry for all the trouble he put me thorough last time. He is sorry that he made my mother cry and frightened my kids. He wants to be with me again. My girlfriends hate him. My sister wont sit at the table if he comes to Thanksgiving.
Did I miss him? I look past his glare and see that he brought Despair and Terror along with him. They always ride along.
It would be easy to lay here with him until the time comes. It would be beautiful to close my eyes and feel his warm embrace. A lover who’s affections intend to consume me. It would be easy. I cry. He whispers in my ear.
But I am not easy. Get out of my bed mother-fucker. Get your hands off of my body. Get out of my life. These tears are not those of a jilted lover but those of an angry prize-fighter. Get the fuck out of my house. I am raising a family here and you are not welcome. How dare you plant yourself on my chest so close to my heart. There is no room for you there. There is no room for you in my life.
My life, my runs, my kids and my mornings drinking coffee on my patio. You are not welcome here. My job, my dreams, my responsibility to take care of those I love, get the fuck out. You distract me. You make me angry. You scare me, then leave me to cry alone. You horrible bastard. This time I swear, you are leaving for good.
I will do whatever it takes to make sure you are gone this time. My life. My heart. My love. My time. You picked the wrong gal to fall in love with Cancer. I will break your fucking heart.


10 Responses to “He’s Back”

  1. Betsy Happel Says:

    Awesome. Am now especially glad the trees didn’t come down. You rock. And I think you should write a book.

  2. A friend Says:

    DAMN!!!! I stand with your other girlfriends, hard bat in hand- a pistol in my pocket. Beat it, asshole!

  3. Kim Mosley Says:

    At first when I was meditating I was very angry at the distracting thoughts that would fly through my head. Then I learned that the anger just compounded the damage. Now I ever-so-gently just show the thoughts the door. They willingly leave. As your cancer will.

  4. Tami DeLand Says:

    Yes, kick him out for good.

  5. julie b Says:

    You are stronger than the cancer, Ronnie. Be the survivor and victor.

  6. There is no room. I have fought mine, now I am joining the ranks to fight yours.

  7. Kevin Says:

    Kick his ass Ronnie! Kick his fucking ass!

  8. Evelyn Appel Says:

    Beat him Ronnie, you can do it! I am there with you in my thoughs and prayers. BEAT the Bastard, he won’t win..too many of us are against his powers and that includes GOD. Evie

  9. keri Says:

    With you (and your army of loved ones) at the helm , he doesn’t stand a chance. He snuck in quietly last time, but this time you can kick him the hell out before he gets a foot in the door.

    Ronnie, my heart’s with you.

  10. Crystal Tinsley Says:

    You’re a strong woman Ronnie! Give that cancer a good ol’ a*s kickin’!My thoughts are with you.

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